Back
when I was at sixth form college – around the time this blog
started, because I was bored between lessons and had a lot of
FEELINGS
that needed to be expelled – we did this
exercise in A Level Drama called ‘automatic writing’. This
involved us sitting (or more likely, lying) down on the floor of the
black box theatre and just scrawling non-stop in our notebooks or on
scraps of script we were meant to be learning, either as ourselves or
as characters. We’d tap into our own internal monologues, pull
them out and onto a page; it helped us get more in touch with the people
we were playing in our upcoming performances, or just get out
of our own minds in a time when it felt like all the pressure
was on us to do well, get good grades and make our families proud,
blah blah blah.
Well,
for the past few days I’ve been trying to conjure up a post for
Mental Health Awareness Week, and I’ve realised the only way I can
write honestly and without fear is if I do it, hilariously enough,
without thinking too hard. So you’re about to read my automatic
writing. Enjoy – I hope it helps some of you, somehow…
It’s
funny that Mental Health Awareness Week has suddenly come around now,
when I’m really struggling. I say suddenly, because it feels like
it’s sudden, but I have known about it for ages and was
planning to do all sorts of things for it, but then a sh*t storm
kicked off in my brain and here we are. I have burnt out recently,
simply from being too busy, and cramming every possible thing into
every little bit of my spare time because I always feel like I should
be doing all the
things and making the most of
life… that
pressured complex, I found out in therapy, is
yet another delightful thing
I’ve developed in recent
years, when I’ve been saved so many times by medical professionals
and given what feels like a second chance at life, a longer life,
more time to do amazing things that I should definitely
be doing so it’s not a waste of their precious time and skills. I
get immense guilt when I find myself sitting around doing nothing but
scrolling through social media and/or eating a whole lot of snacks
while marathoning something on Netflix – because despite having no
evidence that this would actually happen, and knowing that it
absolutely would not, I still picture my surgeons (plural) and their
teams of theatre nurses looking on, sadly, wishing they’d
prioritised someone else; someone who could do more for the world and
be a testament to their tireless efforts.
So,
I guess that’s a little peek inside my head. I constantly preach to
anyone who’ll listen that social media really is
a highlights reel, and not in any way representative of one’s day
to day life; please be reassured (?!) that I’m not always
frolicking on the beach smiling
into the sun, or happily sipping the finest espresso while reading an
exciting YA proof, or dressing up in boho ballgowns and adventuring
in the local woods (well, it has been
a while since I’ve had a shoot with Erin…). More often than not,
I’m on a train somewhere staring blankly out the window while
catching up on podcasts; cramming in a second Greggs vegan sausage
roll and guzzling instant coffee in the staff room before running
straight onto the shop floor; sprawled
on the sofa half-watching last week’s ‘Would I Lie to You’
while torturing myself thinking of all the emails I have yet to reply
to, and posts I want to write
but can’t find the energy or words…
Having
said that I can absolutely
assure you that, just
like on my social platforms, I am constantly and continuously in awe
of, and grateful to, my amazing, badass body. Recently
I’ve been giving it a hard time; I often find myself getting
frustrated at all the things it can’t do as well now as it used to.
I think because sometimes my mind becomes detached from it, in
thinking it can still
GO GO GO, when really
it can only… go. Carefully
and deliberately, sensibly but also optimistically. That’s
all I can ask of it, really. After everything that’s happened to
it.
My
body and my mind have
been through so much. But they can only go through so much. I just
have to remember that.
The
theme of Mental Health Awareness Week 2019 is Body Image – how we
think and feel about our bodies. Body image issues can affect all of
us, at any age. It’s so important to remember to #BeBodyKind. Check
out the Mental Health Foundation for amazing resources and support.
Brilliant post as always, our body image and mental health are so intrinsically linked and I've found this even more so with a chronic illness.
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